*A group of cadets enters the bar, talking in loud excited voices. On seeing who is present, they fall suddenly silent, then huddle near the bar in whispered but animated conversation. They glance repeatedly towards the table where Capt. Evans is sitting with van Leigh, Mundy, and Matsiyan. Guy seems to be urging them to do something. Finally, one cadet approaches, visibly hesitant.*
“Excuse me for interrupting, sirs, ma’am. I… we… I mean… Commander, sir, we were wondering if you’d have a look at this… as in, perhaps you wouldn’t mind taking part…”
*Blushing beetroot red and utterly overcome, the cadet hands a datapad to Cmdr. van Leigh and flees back to his friends. Anyone who glances at the datapad will read: *
The Very Model of a Modern Stellar Navy
(Verse 1)
The Union of SpaceFaring Planets will accept most aliens
Yet oft we find it under threat from Torgoths and from Kraliens;
The battle may be hard, but there’s no need to get hysterical,
We’ll win without the need to gain a battle edge numerical.
Defending peace by means of war we know is paradoxical
And may involve deployment of some armaments quite toxical
And yet if you read histories and other texts canonical
You’ll find there’s wide acceptance of this attitude ironical;
Chorus: You’ll find there’s wide acceptance of this attitude ironical,
You’ll find there’s wide acceptance of this attitude ironical,
You’ll find there’s wide acceptance of this attitude iron-ironical!
Therefore if you can navigate or load torpedoes in a tube,
If you’re a seasoned veteran or just a freshly landed n00b,
The TSN can use you all, we are egalitarian,
Come join us whether spacer, tech, mechanic or librarian!
Chorus: The TSN can use you all, we are egalitarian,
Come join us, whether spacer, tech, mechanic or librarian!
—
(Verse 2)
To put a stop to Torgoth depredations most outrageous
We need to find a crew of élite officers courageous;
Defeating the vast Behemoths may seem a task redoubtable,
But we’ll show that by volleys of torpedoes they are routable!
Thus the bipedal pachiderms will cry with voice stentoreous
That they too lightly undertook a task that proved laborious,
And as Communications sends its message to surrender now
They’ll turn the coward yellow colour of a craven garbage scow!
Chorus: They’ll turn the coward yellow colour of a craven garbage scow!
They’ll turn the coward yellow colour of a craven garbage scow!
They’ll turn the coward yellow colour of a craven garbage-garbage scow!
Therefore if you can hit a ship that’s fleeing at velocity
And fire the beams undaunted by the target’s animosity
The TSN can use you all, we are egalitarian,
Come join us whether marksman, medic, farmer or librarian!
Chorus: The TSN can use you all, we are egalitarian,
Come join us, whether marksman, medic, farmer or librarian!
—
(Verse 3)
As Science scans the frequencies and finds the heel Achillean
Then Comms can choose the taunt most sure to work among a million:
“That pirate ship is armed with shield-drain tech that’s most injurious,
Its captain has no family, his temper is most furious;”
Then if our taunts make pirate captains long for a sabbatical
And recognise that we hold the advantage mathematical,
Outnumbering a pirate ship is not at all unethical
It may surrender if it fears it’s puny and pathetical;
Chorus: It may surrender if it fears it’s puny and pathetical,
It may surrender if it fears it’s puny and pathetical,
It may surrender if it fears it’s puny and patheti-thetical!
So if you fix the engines and recalibrate the mechadroids,
If you can steer at warp four while avoiding all the asteroids,
The TSN can use you all, we are egalitarian,
Come join us, whether engineer, ace pilot or librarian!